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now that i'm dead i will become satan

by Ashes Jessen

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1.
intro 02:40
(instrumental)
2.
Terrified i open up my arms and missed you coming closer All the while i am wincing with apprehension Fearing I was far too close to Becoming a part of someone When i have become so stubborn And complacent with being no one When i thought i'd look again i noticed you were even further Turned away in thinking that i did not want to see you At least at the time i thought that I could climb a mountain if i Tried and never gave up walking But some climbers aren't enough
3.
shadowlawn 01:18
I don't know if you felt what i felt but i've been really fucked up since that day we talked And i tried to view it calmly but when i get really caught in someone it's hard to make it stop And since last week or so you've been in every dream that i had i think that i just want to see you more in each one i fuck things up but when i turn to you you smile
4.
I would do anything if i could only see you All of my friends were telling me to meet you And it's insane to think that you might think of me And I can't say my thoughts how i want them to be If love is really nothing but a chemical reaction And appearance isn't everything that causes attraction Then i was made in every way for someone else How can you say you know when you can see yourself I will say i'm happy but i'm doing this for nothing If they're all working well then they've all got something And i'm patient and i know that mine will come But it's been forever am i just being dumb I would do anything if i could only see you All of my friends were telling me to meet you And it's insane
5.
nosferatu 05:09
I leave you I fucked it up again Something's weird I can't shut up again I'm anxious I'm gonna die again But i'll be born And i'll still try again Like Dracula I will open up my jaws I'll scare you With my stupid voice and claws And when i leave You won't talk to me again You'll believe You and I were never friends
6.
(instrumental)
7.
boy scout 06:09
and none of the pills that i've swallowed can bring me back to life can bring me back to life and i couldn't make the off ramp so i just turn off the headlights so i just turn off the headlights what do you think of me what do you think of her i can wear different clothes now and i can tell that you're hurt and i just seem to drag you You know i didn't mean that I feel so fucking weird now i feel like you were so bad and saying the okay i stutter and i can't seem to breathe and they want me to speak and a few hours later I'm sobbing and walking down the street i stupidly feel relieved it's not like this will change me i know that it's a huge step maybe i'll go next year or the year after that you can see right through me you're really good at doing that i wish i saw through you there'd be so much to look at
8.
the judas 06:07
When i die I'll be the only one That's with me And that's fine I'll be calm And fall asleep in bed And dream of My best friends I don't think You will be on my shore You might be But who knows anymore Either way i'm fine I only care what you think If you leave I'll be okay
9.
alone 03:31
If I was with you i'd be a world away Running around because i'm trying to find a place to stay You mean the world to me tonight And it's kind of on you if you don't want to treat me right And right now i'm trashed because i lost my job I really only need it for the alcohol The things i've done to get next to you All i really need is just to see things through And who knows You might be the one and i'd be your lawful husband Maybe you'd set me free again And someday I could be beside you looking at our children I'll probably talk to you again I hope i talk to you again
10.
Whenever i get drunk i yell a lot and i am sorry I hate acting like that But when i'm sober i can't talk to you the way i want to The way drunk me can But ever time i wake up i still think about the last night the last night the last night the last night the last night It's such a bummer how i can't have fun without being sad I still remember that mistake i made from that night This moment's powerful I say that all the time but i mean it now I'll remember this when i'm an old man Sitting here and looking at the town With all of my friends I wish i could talk to you like they can And is it bad to wait to ask this long I don't think so For better or worse i want to make this right The only issue lies in what i should do now that i am prepared I really just want you to trust me
11.
god's eye 05:04
i'm coming back i know i know i've gone so far but every time i take a step it makes me feel insane and is it real i can't even tell anymore but every time i take a step it makes me feel the same and you're my brother and though at times i miss you man i know you got your happy life and i am making mine lets make it back i know the journey sounds so far but if we rest a little every night I'm sure we'll be just fine (2 loops pass) so hear our cry and all you daughters and you sons can be the greatest generation if they show you how and as we fly we run until our legs give out collapsing laughing to the sand we all just yell aloud the pioneers the architects these awful men we're etching faces in the earth forever kings of here the sun is rising we grab our guns and run again awakened from our blissful rest to start a brand new year
12.
(instrumental)
13.
I hope you heard me I don't want you to worry I hope you heard me I don't want you to worry I hope you realize everything i own is tied to you i want to publicize I only want what's right for you But down inside, down inside i know I know you'd be alone Down inside, i want to hide myself I should ask myself Would I be giving up the things i love I'm worrying about all kinds of stuff I'm still the stupid kid you used to love If i ran away i'd say goodbye to you Wouldn't hide my face i wouldn't lie you And i can't tell you Looking back on older photos trying to Shoulda seen how bad it was I tried to keep it deep inside but All the things that Make me happy Brought on by your Simple laughing If i could i'd run away with you But i can't help this Awful timing I admit i'm Fucking crying Were all smiling waving bye to you To you To you To you To you

about

this is an album about having a crush or whatever
some of the songs deal with transgender issues though
boy scout is about backing out before a sex change operation
god's eye is about being unsure whether you're serious about being trans or not but trusting yourself anyway with blind faith or whatever
we're all smiling is two friends talking to each other when one has to leave a place where they are discriminated against for being trans
if you're going through any issues presented on the album whether they be gender or love related this shit sucks but you'll get through it, we will all get through it

the next album is either gonna have more computers or be more ambitious with real instruments
probably out in four more months honestly
ill probably take a break though
t shirts soon
download the album it sounds terrible in streaming version

credits

released May 6, 2017

made in four months by alex jessen
thanks to non-stop balloon action for the sounds in nosferatu
thanks to swaylo for the monologue in boy scout
thanks to everyone for being into were all smiling ily

other special thanks
marcellus garcia
nathan watts
nathan toepp
aaron smith
spirit phelps
kash spang
tanner jaycox
arik may
anyone else who is especially supportive and nice
tytytytytytytytytyty

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Ashes Jessen Billings, montana

struggling musician
experimental pop
born in billings mt

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